 A secret pact
Often a sort of secret pact exists, which can mean that the partner keeps secrets from the addict, or helps keep secrets for the addict. It could also mean that the co-addict moves into the level of addiction of the addict by drinking more, using drugs together or becomes more sexually active to please the addict (the last is specific for sex addiction)
Compulsive obsession
With many partners you can speak of a compulsive obsession, the partner is totally fixated on the addict to avoid their own feelings, and continuously think about the behaviour and motives of the addict, controls their clothing, money, mail, email and computer.
Denial
Many addicts have periods of great denial, the partner denies their own feelings and intuition and keeps extremely busy with other things. Many partners wholeheartedly believe they can change the addict. Also there can be times that everything pertaining to the addiction is denied.
Emotional chaos
An emotional chaos exists, partners often lose any sense of control over their feelings, and suffer from moments of emotional crisis, and often are overwhelmed by feelings of shame and fear. The often feel powerless as crisis and problems happen all the time and they feel like they need to deal with these alone.
Manipulation
A lot of partners have the inclination to manipulate, and play a role in the addiction cycle by becoming the martyr, hero, saviour of victim of the addict. The source of addiction is often used as a tool of power or to solve problems, such as using sex with the sex addict or alcohol for the alcoholic. Partners do not succeed in controlling the addictive behaviours of the addict and become increasingly out of control. The partner often threatens to leave, but never does.
Take responsibility
Partners often tend to take great responsibility, and blame themselves for what is happening, they think that if they change the addict shall stop acting out. Often partners feel responsible for the addictive behaviour of the addict. They often manipulate situations where they are needed in order to stop these events from happening.
Giving up on themselves
Partners struggle with giving up on themselves, their own life goals, hobbies, interests and social contacts to stay with the addict and control the situation. They often act against their own morals and values and beliefs. They often try to adapt their appearance, the way they dress, their hobbies or activities, all to please the addict. Over time they adapt to the morals and values of the addict.
Guilt and punishment
Many times a system exists in which the feelings of guilt of the addict are played with, to punish the addict. Many partners tend to play judge and jury and try to punish the addict for their behaviour. Partners become moody and destructive towards others, they are often overcome by feelings of aggression or even murderous thoughts. The latter is often the case in sex addiction, these situations tend to escalate with legal consequences for the partner. Sometimes the partner has affairs in the deep desperation and think that if they do so, they will punish the addict or get love from at least one person.
Disturbed intimacy
Because of the tension in the relationship between the addict and their partner, there is often a disturbed intimacy, trust is broken which leads to a numbed sex life, feelings aren’t discussed and partners become estranged, the sex life slowly comes to a halt. |
